Wednesday, June 8, 2011

The Run, the Runner

This post has been milling around in my head for a while…

It’s hard for me to explain to people what running means to me.  It goes beyond something that I do and is an actual part of me.  This part of me I can’t remove and I don’t want to be without.  It’s the one relationship I’ve been able to keep together, that I’ve been able to completely surrender myself to without fear or reservation.  And when I’m completely honest with myself, I’ve failed every other relationship I’ve entered into and that’s not an easy pill to swallow.  My deficiencies, my lacking, my insecurities…

I’ve committed myself to the run because it’s never let me down.  It’s hurt me, I’ve been less than, but I’ve never given up, and it’s always been worth the struggle.  And there has been so much struggle.  I’m reminded all the time what it all means.  It’s a constant.  I’m a constant.  I’m better.  It’s my language and maybe it’s even my crutch. 



Maybe it’s not so much about the run as the person I am when I’m inside it.  It’s not just the run… it’s the runner.  It’s what the running has allowed me to become.  It’s what I’ve earned along the way.  It’s my comfort zone. 

I’m painfully honest.  I have to be or this journey is nothing.  And if I’m honest, I have to admit that my days have been long lately.  Longer than I’ve wanted to admit.  I’ve been struggling.  I hate to admit that.  I hate the feeling that leaves me with.  Unsure, lost, and ultimately just vulnerable.  WEAK.  I hate weak.  It feels like a cliché or excuse. It feels inauthentic. 

But…

When I run.  When I tie up my shoes and open my back door, when I take that first step, when I pass that invisible line, I’m immovable.  I’m complete.  I don’t know what that looks like, what that means outside the run.  But the runner in me, the runner I am, that I’ve become… well, she’s just about as whole as I could ever hope to be.  She’s untouchable, she’s strong, she’s sure.  She’s everything.  I’m nothing without her.