To Be… (AND not to be anymore)

One of my first posts on my journey was entitled, “To Be.”  It really resonated with me as I wrote it actually and I believe in the weight and depth of the words I wrote but there is a whole other side.

“Breathing deeply, she forgot the cold, the dead weight of others, the craziness or stuffiness of life, the long anguish of living and dying. After so many years of mad, aimless fleeing from fear, she had come to a stop at last.” – Albert Camus

Ugh.  Yes.  Okay, so part of the year of self-discovery isn’t really discovery at all.  It’s more acknowledgement of what you’ve always known was there but didn’t want to admit.  Or maybe you even acknowledged it but passively looked the other way and allowed it to happen.  Maybe you convinced yourself that if you just ignored it, it wouldn’t be there.  Or maybe you’re like me, you made excuses as to why it was okay. 

My friend and running coach Tracy Peal has always told me that he can’t help me create speed, he can only help me eliminate the inefficiencies in my stride to make it possible for the potential speed to happen.  I think that is a metaphor for my life, actually.  I am a wall-pounder.  I slam myself against things – physical pain is easy for me – but at what cost?  Sometimes I think I welcome the fall so I can come back, so I can rise out of it, so I can prove to myself that I’m not beatable.  I’m tired of that feedback loop.  It’s time to let it go.

So my new approach is striving for simplicity.  Letting what should be, be and letting go of all the things I know should never have been and don’t ever have to be again. 


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