Where I’ve Been

“It is never to late to be what you might have been” –George Eliot

New Year’s is a time for all things new and planning ahead, but looking back over a year and being reminded of where you’ve been. As 2011 draws to a close I am reflective on a year that was nothing like I expected in more ways than I was prepared.  I’ve grown, I’ve suffered, I’ve lost, and I’ve learned.  My girls continue to remind me why life is precious and beautiful and even as they seem to grow inches overnight, they are still my babies. I hold them a little bit closer and tell them I love them a bit more often and pray a bit more fervently for their lives to be blessed and the thankfulness in my heart for them is stronger than ever. I’ve been blessed.

I’ve traveled extensively this year, met more people who remind me how far I have to go in my own personal journey and it’s not lost on me.  From the dark trails of Malibu to the deep snow and blizzards of Vermont, the flat lands of Texas and the muddy sticky hills in Chicago.  It’s been a beautiful year.  I’ve witnessed extraordinary feats of physical and mental strength and I’ve laid on the beaches of Florida my girls in my arms underneath a palm tree.  I’ve been inspired. 

The friendships that have come into my life and the ones that have slipped away are never far from my mind.  Friends that are as close as family even from thousands of miles away. Over a year outside the divorce, I am finally starting to feel like myself again.  The new life with the girls is one that suits me nicely and we are so very happy, despite adjustments we’ve had to make.  I’ve been calmed from the inside out.

I’ve fallen in and out of love, lost precious people, and found out that it’s not as easy as the fairy tales imply when you grow up.  I’ve been brought to my knees.

From the very small, the smiles the hugs, the sticky hands that tug at me urgently throughout the day to the quiet, dark night alone typing away at my computer, the nights out, to the race courses all over the country it’s been a year I’m still processing.  Where I am going and how I am getting there isn’t clear.  I’ve had major disappointments too, it’s not all beautiful, but it can’t be.  Through all of it, I’ve laughed… harder, deeper, and with more authenticity than any other time in my life.  It’s been memorable in more ways I can describe.  I’ve been… changed.