Fair?

I have spent the majority of the day wondering what the fuck “fair” means anymore.  You bust your ass working hard, doing your best, treating people well and then you get your credit card number stolen and find yourself broke and helpless on a Saturday night with half a month of bills to go. 

You cry, and scream, and wonder, but you’re not destroyed, just facing a set-back.  You feel sorry for yourself in a way that is sickening, debilitating,  and keeps you from eating, from sleeping, from everything.  You are so tired of drowning in your own life.

And in the midst of the pity party you gain perspective.

Life isn’t fair.

It never has been.

You get screwed. 

You find out that hard work sometimes is rewarded by a front row seat to the shit show that is your own life and there is nothing you can do about it. And it’s okay, it’s not the end of the world. It sucks, but it’s not everything.  And you know that because a big dose of reality falls directly into your lap. 

You’re reminded of that by friend who is told that the cancer she’s been fighting has returned, and not only is it back, but it’s in her bones and her liver, her time is limited. 

Then you feel like an asshole…

And so you pause, HARD, and  however begrudgingly you say “thank you” as you are sitting in your own shit and you know that it could be so much worse.  And tears fall, and because you feel selfish and helpless, and maybe even thankful. 

And you decide that “fair'” is bullshit, because for someone “fair” is life and death, and you’re sorry you ever thought you had it rough.  And then, in that moment of realization, you decide that all you have in your heart is thanks… and sadness.  Because despite the darkness of your life at times, it’s still life.  And that’s more than some can say. 

Lesson learned.