Saturday, March 17, 2012

Fair?

I have spent the majority of the day wondering what the fuck “fair” means anymore.  You bust your ass working hard, doing your best, treating people well and then you get your credit card number stolen and find yourself broke and helpless on a Saturday night with half a month of bills to go. 

You cry, and scream, and wonder, but you’re not destroyed, just facing a set-back.  You feel sorry for yourself in a way that is sickening, debilitating,  and keeps you from eating, from sleeping, from everything.  You are so tired of drowning in your own life.

And in the midst of the pity party you gain perspective.

Life isn’t fair.

It never has been.

You get screwed. 

You find out that hard work sometimes is rewarded by a front row seat to the shit show that is your own life and there is nothing you can do about it. And it’s okay, it’s not the end of the world. It sucks, but it’s not everything.  And you know that because a big dose of reality falls directly into your lap. 

You’re reminded of that by friend who is told that the cancer she’s been fighting has returned, and not only is it back, but it’s in her bones and her liver, her time is limited. 

Then you feel like an asshole…

And so you pause, HARD, and  however begrudgingly you say “thank you” as you are sitting in your own shit and you know that it could be so much worse.  And tears fall, and because you feel selfish and helpless, and maybe even thankful. 

And you decide that “fair'” is bullshit, because for someone “fair” is life and death, and you’re sorry you ever thought you had it rough.  And then, in that moment of realization, you decide that all you have in your heart is thanks… and sadness.  Because despite the darkness of your life at times, it’s still life.  And that’s more than some can say. 

Lesson learned.

3 comments:

  1. At one time or another we all get that front row seat : )We all need to RSVP to that pity party some time cuz gosh darn it the decorations are just so festive (hehe) ..some times a good complaint is like a cool drink of water...yep life is not fair but the thing is I truly believe that someones cancer is not worse or more deserving of a pity party than someone else's broken marriage or lost job or sick child or depression or whatever befalls each and everyone of us..you work hard, you are a good mommy, you ask simply for happiness and joy and a little slice of bliss...
    we all deserve that bliss...

    I think the key thing is Carrie you are not the last person to leave the pity party...you are the first to leave...and that makes you strong : )

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  2. Thank you for putting things in perspective. I needed to hear those words! Sometimes it isn't fair but there is nothing we can do to change it. Then we just need to cry and get it out and crawl out of the shit and keep going.
    Sending hugs to you Carrie and hoping that things get better!

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  3. "Lesson learned" - that really IS what it's all about. You can't change the shit, you can only change how the shit affects you!
    Oh, and finding the bastard that stole your information so that you can beat him senseless with a Louisville slugger would help too!

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