You can bend it and twist it... you can misuse and abuse it... but even God cannot change the truth." - Michael Levy
I'm tired today. I could crawl in bed, cover my head with the covers and sleep for days. And not just to rest, but to escape from myself. My heart is heavy and sad. I've gotten stuck on the same feedback loop that has me wanting to crawl out of my own skin with disgust. There is a vast chasm that separates the truth from the answers we give ourselves and what we tell others to justify how we feel and what we do. The truth is something that inherently is, while the answers are how we seek to express those truths, how we live them. A lot can get lost in translation.
Some truths that we find inconvenient or difficult to exact we answer away, we find excuses instead of acknowledgement and suddenly we're living the answers we give ourselves instead of the truths that exist in our hearts and it becomes a slippery slope. Before you know it, it's a habit. Knowing is just an admission of what it already there, it takes courage and faith to step into it and own it entirely. We might have to actually take ownership or do something about it, change our behavior, or hurt someone's feelings. That would require work. More work, and like I said, I'm tired today.
I've made my answers the easiest, most simplified responses to things I'm not wanting to fully explore or admit to myself and it's been an easy dismissive reaction to things and far easier than admitting the whole truth. That would leave me vulnerable and maybe even accountable to more than I'm prepared to acknowledge. I've tried to "be nice" and "logical" and "fair." But all I've done is move farther from what's real. I'm living the answers and excuses I give myself, telling myself why that's okay and it's been easy but it's no longer possible. Some of my truths really hurt.
I'm tired of giving half answers. I'm tired of being nice at my own expense. I'm tired of tap dancing with the things that I know to be true and turning my head when I can't bear to watch anymore. I'm tired of using words to weave an exit strategy, provide a flimsy answer, or an escape, instead of committing to what I know to be in my heart. And being reintroduced to my shortcomings, my flaws, and even just the reality of my life shouldn't be hard, it should just be part of what I do because it's who I am. I'm tired of avoiding. I'm tired of letting myself skate by and letting what matters be overlooked. And more than anything, I'm tired of being tired. And though it's not going to be easy, it's not about changing anything, it's about giving a voice the answers that have been patiently waiting to be heard.